carrieannphotography.com » Arlington, Vermont Photographer

Eighteen years ago today at this very moment, I locked myself in my grandmother’s spare bedroom because I was upset.  Earlier that morning, my 37 year old mother passed away in her sleep.  Sometimes I look at it from the perspective that I’m thankful that she didn’t suffer.  That she didn’t have to go through the pain that so many other people who die young of things like cancer or other illnessess.  But then on the other hand I feel robbed.  I never had a chance to say goodbye.  I never got the chance to apologize after yelling at her earlier that night because she was making me go to bed early, as every 12 year old should!

Rather than focusing on the yucky stuff that happened during those 18 years while I dealt with my deep sense of grief that I kept to myself, I like to think about where I am now and how I’d like to think how proud she is of me.  I have what I always wanted.  I have a family.  I get to be a stay at home mom……what I always wanted in life.  I’m thankful for my wonderful family.  For my sister, who slept in my bedroom for what seemed like forever after my mom passed away even though she had a far more comfortable bed in her own room.  She is a wonderful mom herself with two beautiful daughters.  For my dad, who was forced to fill both rolls for two young girls going through stages in their life where they need their mother’s guidance.  That being said, he did a wonderful job.  For my late grandmother, who came over to help my dad out with things like ironing and such and dealt with my “not so nice” stage and took it in stride.  For Mary, who came into our lives a few years later and also dealt with our “not so nice” teenage years.  She was there with me while Lillian was in the NICU, while I had all my wisdom teeth and another surgery I had that was rather painful a couple years later.  I miss my mother everyday of my life, but…….I’m thankful for my family that helped me get through it.

She really was a wonderful mom, so today I celebrate her short 37 years and remember the good times…….